


Snips, Snails, and Umbreon Tails

by cottonspore



Series: Broventures [1]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Diamond & Pearl & Platinum | Pokemon Diamond Pearl Platinum Versions
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonspore/pseuds/cottonspore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coming back from the kitchen for a midnight snack, Flint catches a glimpse of something odd occurring in Cynthia's room. Astonished from what he saw, Flint decides to confide in best friend, Volkner, the very next day. Of course Volkner doesn't believe him, so they just HAVE TO see for themselves - firsthand!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snips, Snails, and Umbreon Tails

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I thought of this really silly story when I noticed Cynthia's hair barrette thingies resembled Umbreon tails/ears. So it was only natural that I would think that a certain someone else would, too XD

_KLAAANG kling kling!_

"Okay, get the hell out. Go."

"But I'm telling the truth, it all adds up if you just listen to me!"

"That's utter bullshit and you know it."

"Bro, hear me out-"

"Flint. _Leave_."

It was the fourth time in the span of 20 minutes that the wrench dropped onto the floor. The vacancy of the gym allowed all of the sound to resonate a bit louder than what a typical gym would have; the turning of the gears, the buzzing of power tools, and of course the mindless banter of an afro.

Flint stood up, but not to leave.

"Volkner, I saw with my own two eyes! Okay, let's be real – have I ever lied to you?"

Volkner removed the blow torch mask completely from his face in order to give Flint a complete glare.

"Okay, not counting the time I thought that Octillery calamari was funnel cake. I seriously didn't know!"

Volkner's glare softened with a sigh as he stood up from his work. One gloved hand ungloved the other as he threw them down to the ground among his tools.

"I'm listening."

Flint pumped his fist at his second chance and readied his hands to explain himself. The smile he wore warned Volkner that whatever he was going to say was going to be stupid.

"YOO, okay, check this shit out! Alright, so, you know how my room is next to Cynthia's, right? So we kinda cross paths often and what not. Well last night is when I heard her talk about it. Her door was wide open and everything."

"So you heard her _talking_ about it?"

"Well, no, but I'm not at the good part yet, just wait! Okay, so I was coming back from the kitchen, right, since I had cooked some hot wings and needed some chips while I was playing some games. Of course, as soon as I go into the kitchen, here comes Aaron with all that 'Damn it Flint, you keep hogging the Doritos! Save some for everyone else, you Piloswine!' and then we got into another fight about how his damn Queenie keeps leaving honey all over the place-"

"FLINT. Cynthia. What. About. Cynthia."

"I'm getting there, will you stop interrupting?! Sheesh. Alright, so after I was able to sneak the rest of the Doritos to my room, I heard Cynthia humming one of those weird songs of hers. But this time, she said things in between the hums and every time she finished one verse, she apologized but laughed! As if she was mocking that poor Pokémon's pain! So when I was able to get close enough to peak around the corner, that's when that other asshole popped up to be nosy, too. I was only in my boxers, so I was pretty much vulnerable if he decided to throw another book at me like last time. I guess he was in a good mood, cause once he heard Cynthia cackle, we both looked at each other, knowing something was up. He did that thing with his glasses where he pushed them up, and if that means anything, it means he's serious about stuff."

"Just get to the point." Volkner sighed with feigned annoyance. If he let Flint know he was interested in hearing the story, and it turned out to be stupid, that would only open the floodgate for more idiotic stories in the future.

"Tch, I will if you don't interrupt me again! I was just about to say it, but I can't without giving you the full details!"

"Nothing about Aaron's Vespiqueen leaving honey everywhere has to deal with Cynthia."

"But it set the tone, didn't it?"

"You have two minutes before I kick you out."

"I'M TELLING YOU NOW, JUST _LISTEN_. So now me and Lucian is standing there, like, 'what the hell did we just hear' and he leaves to go to his room. Meanwhile I, being the brave one to make sure the entire Elite Four won't be wiped out by a maniacal Champion, actually took a peek this time and I saw her pin them in _her hair_."

Volkner's mouth slowly widened open as if he was going to say something dramatic, but quickly closed it shut to compose himself.

"Flint."

"Yeah bro?"

"THOSE ARE FUCKING BARRETTES. THE SAME BARRETTES SHE ALWAYS WEAR."

"NO BRO, THEY ARE UMBREON TAILS! I SAW THE BODIES AFTER SHE CUT THEM OFF!"

"Where, Flint? WHERE?"

"ON THE FLOOR. THAT'S WHY SHE CACKLED AND SHIT!"

"Flint, you are so full of shit-"

"If you don't believe me, then I'll prove it to you! That's why I told you in the first place! It's up to us to stop her from from hurting any more Umbreons! What if she starts targeting my Flareon to wear its tail as a weave?! We can't let her do that!" Flint passionately defended his stance on the issue.

Volkner could tell that Flint was dead serious and was taken aback by his tenacity of the subject. He wore the same aloof stare he always had, but this time, his eyebrows were a little closer than usual - showing that he was also serious, but still didn't want to give too much care just in case Flint was being the typical dumbshit. Volkner crossed his arms.

"Alright, I'll investigate with you. But only under one condition." Volkner raised a finger that was resting on his arm as he spoke. "If you are at all wrong about this, I'm going to beat your fucking ass and you're going to let me."

Flint drew his breath to protest, but let it go knowing that it would be futile to try and alter the rules. After a second thought, he drew another breath.

"..I mean, I know I'm not going to be wrong, but _hypothetically speaking,_ if I _were to be wrong_ , can I at least offer a suggestion? Like, can my fro stay intact-"

"No."

"You're savage bro..just savage.."

"Alright, so when do we start?" Volkner continued, disregarding any reservations Flint had about the precondition.

"Hmm, well I know she's going to be out tonight, probably to collect more Umbreons for a fresh set of tails," Flint surmised as he rubbed his chin in thought. "I think she may already be out, and won't be back until late."

"Well, now that I lost my concentration with the gym repairs, now's a better time than any to get started, I guess." Volkner groaned as he picked up his tools to set them away.

"Bro, now that I think about it, she may have been eyeing Luxxy's fur-"

"Don't even start that."

* * *

"Why the hell did I agree to this, this is dumbest thing you've dragged me out here to do- WOULD YOU QUIT IT WITH THE CHIPS?" Volkner snatched the bag of potato chips from Flint's hand and tossed them onto the floor into the other room, attracting the attention of his Houndoom to eat.

"What the hell, man! Now Aaron will think I ate the last of them. I promise I will go ham on his ass if he brings up the soda again," Flint stomped over to pick up the bag of chips. "Henry, stop! Shoo!"

The Houndoom retreated from the kitchen where the bag was tossed, still crunching some of the chips that it escaped with, and entered the living room, scouting around for any other food that may be on the ground. Flint scooped the remaining chips back into the bag and set it on the counter where he first found them. Both he and Volkner made eye contact, daring for one another to say anything about what Flint just did. After a tense minute passed, Volkner continued to stare, but moved on with the plan.

"So. She's still here. When does she leave?"

"Well, the sun has pretty much set, so any minute now. Umbreons like the moonlight, so of course she would wait until they're out to harvest-"

Right at that moment, a closing door could be heard right around the corner from the room in which Flint and Volkner stood in. Cutting the conversation short, Flint gave a nervous wave while Volkner tensed up a little when a new person entered the room.

"Oh. I thought it was your grating voice I heard. And Volkner's, too." Cynthia frowned as she passed through the common area in order to get to the front door. "I don't know what you two are up to, but if you guys are attempting another panty raid, your ass will be the grass on top of an Oddish's head after a tussle with a Scyther, you hear me?"

Both nodded in compliance.

"I'll be back. Aaron's in charge. Behave yourselves." Cynthia gave the two a final leer before leaving the house. Once the door was closed shut, Flint and Volkner huddled to the nearby window to make sure she was leaving the property.

"I didn't know she was still mad about the panty raid thing." Volkner inquired as Cynthia rounded the bushes on the edge of the yard.

"Yeeeeah, she's still pretty mad about that." Flint confirmed as he rubbed his cheek, feeling the faint burn rising back to his cheek from the event. "She didn't give me the chance to tell her that we raided Bertha's as well so she wouldn't feel so targeted."

Volkner turned his head sharply to look at Flint.

"We?"

"Yeah, we. Wait, you didn't..?"

"No, Flint, I didn't. What the hell, why would I go through a sweet, old lady's panties? What is wrong with you-"

_KRRRSHHHH!_

Before Volkner could finish berating Flint's choices in panties to raid, the loud and obnoxious sound of a potato chip bag being crushed interrupted the conversation.

"I don't know what you two are planning, but whatever it is, stop." Aaron glowered at the two, already giving out commands.

"Nooothing, A-A-ron, we're just looking out the window," Flint groaned while phonetically saying Aaron's name wrong, just the way he hates it.

"You mess anything up, Cynthia will know." Aaron sneered before turning away. Right as he was about to leave, he stopped in tracks as something came to mind.

"Oh, and thanks for the rest of the chips. It's nice being able to have some once in a blue moon." Aaron smirked as he shook the empty bag in his hand.

"Yeah yeah, the pleasure's all mine." Flint replied with equal spite.

Aaron left, leaving the room with just Flint and Volkner. Once they heard the door shut to Aaron's room, the two sprang into action.

"Alright let's move!"

* * *

"Okay, so we gotta be careful. I'm pretty sure that he can see through that door sometimes with all of that psychedelic power he has. I still think it's unfair that he doesn't get caught peeping but I do."

Flint and Volkner stood several yards away from Cynthia's door, at the threshold of Flint's door. Flint eyeballed Lucian's door, which was a little further away across the hall.

"Does he have psychic powers? I'm almost certain that it's just his Pokémon that does."

"No, he does, check this out," Flint cleared his throat. "Ah! I think I'm going to go into the kitchen without anyone noticing me through their door! Let me tiptoe gently there!"

Right on the dime, Lucian silently opened his door, peering out in annoyance.

"You better leave the fucking Pepsi alone, Flint. Don't fucking try me!" A very irate voice rang out from the other room.

Lucian, not having to say anything since Aaron was already aware that Flint was being a nuisance, withdrew back to his room to continue his reading. Flint whipped around to face Volkner.

"SEE. How did he know? Seems like psychic powers if I ever saw any."

Volkner raised a hand as he was about to disprove Flint's statement, but again, he left it alone and didn't even try to argue. "Well thanks to that, they now know that we're up to something." Volkner rubbed his forehead as he found another regret to pile upon the others he had. While his attention was off of Flint, he heard a sharp, wispy noise demand his attention.

"Pssst, what are you waiting for? You're wasting time!" Volkner looked to where he thought Flint should be, only to find that he had already opened Cynthia's door and was now egging him on to join him.

Momentarily confused, Volkner made haste to join Flint in Cynthia's room and closed the door behind himself.

"Were you not just worried about Lucian seeing you through his door?!" Volkner whispered in exasperation.

"Well, yeah, but you said he didn't have any psycho powers so I thought it was okay. Besides, since he came to the door, he probably sat down already." Flint shrugged as he had already begun to sift through Cynthia's belongings.

Volkner couldn't really argue with him since he _did_ say that he doubted Lucian had any psychic powers. Joining Flint in the search for the bodies of the dismembered Umbreons, Volkner decided to start with the closet.

"You know, for slaughtering a bunch of Pokémon, this place sure looks clean and..bloodless." Volkner observed while moving some clothes around.

"Well shit, Volk, if you were a serial killer, would you leave the evidence just lying around?" Flint retorted as he skimmed through her file cabinets.

"Fair enough point, I guess."

Volkner moved from the closet to the bed area while Flint started to strum through the clothes drawers.

"You know, women always keep things in their panty drawers since that's the last place anyone ever look!" Flint piped up as he slid open the third drawer from the top. Volkner had barely raised the sheets to look under the bed when he caught wind of what Flint was thinking.

"Flint, we're here on serious business! We need to concentrate!" Volkner chided through gritted teeth.

"Look Volk, this one has laces in all the right places." Flint raised his eyebrows suggestively as he tossed a pair of lacey, silk panties to Volkner. Volkner caught them in shaky hands, unsure of what to do with them.

"Flint, she's going to notice if her panties are gone, and I don't think I can handle another ass kicking from her." Volkner said with uneasiness as he began to examine them.

"Ooooh, Volk, ya told on yourself! No one said anything about keeping, hehe." Flint teased as he found another pair of panties to his liking.

"Er, shut up! But really, we need to…are…are you keeping those?" Volkner's attention was stolen by the pair of black panties that Flint held in the air, examining them like it was a fake dollar bill.

"Maybe." Flint admitted with no hesitation.

"Come on, you already have like, three pairs already. I want those!" Volkner whined.

"No, finder's keepers. Here, you can have these. They don't look bad for purple," Flint tossed a pair of wine colored panties over to Volkner, where they landed beside his hand.

Also beside the pair of panties was something black and solid, being mostly concealed by the bedspread that spilled over onto the floor. Yellow bands marked the thick portion of the object. Volkner stared at whatever it was for a good moment before he smacked Flint to get his attention.

"Ow! What did you do that for? Purple is…" Flint caught sight of what Volkner was staring at and opened his mouth in fearful awe.

"No way.."

"She's sleeping on the bodies of her victims.."

"Poke it to see if it's still conscious."

"With what?"

"Your finger or something!"

"I'm not touching a dead carcass!"

"Just a little poke!"

"No you- YOU ASS!"

"What the…?"

"..OH."

Flint shoved Volkner's hand down onto the object to confirm that it was a dead Umbreon, but instead of behaving like a dead body, the object tumbled onto its side, revealing a pointy bit on the opposite side of where the band was. Volkner picked it up, his mouth dropping in astonishment. No longer cloaked in the darkness, mixed emotions poured out of the two boys.

"It's a shoe.." Volkner stated plainly.

"It's a shoe!?" Flint exclaimed in amazement.

"It's a SHOE." Volkner stated again, but this time with a tinge of anger.

"IT'S A SHOE!" Flint exclaimed yet again, but this time with much more happiness.

"IT'S SHOE, YOU DUMBASS. A SHOE! YOU SAW THE BAND AROUND THE **SHOE** AND THOUGHT IT WAS AN UMBREON LEG!" Volkner tossed the high heel shoe angrily at Flint once he came upon the realization.

"Brooo, I am so happy! I couldn't bear the thought of her killing innocent Pokémon like that. Phew, now that I think about it, I guess it was kind of dark. The more I look at it, the more I see the resemblance." Flint laughed as relief filled his body.

Volkner grabbed the other high-heel shoe that was beside it and examined it. "Well, I guess that's out of our system now."

"Yeah. Wait. Waaaait," Flint stiffened up as soon as a new thought entered his mind. "Okay, the shoes explain the Umbreon thing, but…what about that cackle? She really did laugh like a maniac!"

Volkner and Flint stewed in thought as they glanced around for ideas.

"Do you think she was listening to music or something?"

"No, no song I've ever heard had a laugh like that."

"She didn't have the TV on?"

"Nah, there wasn't any background noise with it."

"KYA-KYA-HOO-HOO!"

"YOO, it was just like that! How did you.."

"That's what it sounds…"

"OH."

A strange and obnoxious cackle cracked the air, but neither of the two boys made the sound. They both responded at the same time, only to realize that the sound was outside of the door, along with the soft thuds of footsteps coming closer. Being several minutes too late to even react, the boys could do nothing but watch the looming figure enter the room and glare them down from the door.

"Ohh, look Volkner, hehe, i-its Cynthia.."

"Y-yeah, and you see what she has perched on her arm, Flint?"

"Uh-huh. It's a Chatot."

"She's Pokesitting a Chatot, Flint."

"I see that now, Volkner, haha, and not only _hear_ it."

Cynthia's face grew redder and redder with the growing anger and embarrassment from the sight before her. Her eyes popped from one pair of panties to the next as she saw that both of them had multiple pairs. Before she could make strong of her promise, she allowed the Chatot to perch onto a nearby stand. She cracked her knuckles in preparation as she stepped closer to the boys who kept scooting away.

"W-wait, Cynthia! I can explain! This is all a big misunderstanding!"

"H-hey Cynthia, you're barrettes look really cute today now that I know they aren't what I thought they were!"

Cynthia ignored them both and raised an arm into the air, ready to strike.

"YOUR ASS IS GRASS!"

Flint raised a silky pair of panties to his defense.

"REFLECT!"

**Author's Note:**

> Also, as a little side note, I laughed my ass off thinking about Henry's name. It's just an unfitting name for a Houndoom, and for that very reason, I have a feeling Flint would name it that.
> 
> That's all.
> 
> I'm sorry.


End file.
